Lynn's 2002 - 2003 Online Journal

Within My Heart

Thoughts of love within my heart
Within this Journal story starts
Love and life in grand display
Words that give me pause to say

Each word I write will always stay
You'll know that I have come your way
All my hopes and dreams I leave
Knowing they are well received.

~ Francine Pucillo ~
used with permission

December 5th, 2002

Hello! I thought I would try my hand at Journaling, can't say I have done this since I was a young girl...My life is so crazy sometimes that I hope you can keep up, because sometimes I have a really hard time doing that myself! (grinning) Everyday is certainly challenging to say the least. But whose life isn't? Nobody ever promised me "A Rose Garden!" How about you?

I would of changed alot of things about my life if I could of, for I have traveled many mountains, fallen and learned to get back up quickly before the next valley came in site......Talk about a hilly terrain..., but even so, I am a SURVIVOR, I am no longer using Victim status! By the way, that reminds me of a poem I found while surfing on the goes like this:

Survivor Psalm
by Frank Ochberg, MD
I have been victimized.
I was in a fight that was
not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight.
I lost.
There is no shame in losing
such fights, only in winning.
I have reached the stage of
survivor and am no longer a
slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness
rather than hate.
I look forward with hope
rather than despair.
I may never forget, but I need
not constantly remember.
I was a victim.
I am a survivor.

I am going to use this Journal to talk about My Life and many of the hills and valleys I have struggled climbing throughout my life. In hopes it will help another to know you are not alone, even though it sure feels it doesn't it? Yes, I know that feeling too well! Sure wish I had this computer years ago, I believe I would have become a Famous Writer of many books...Well, you never know! (grinning and smiling) Instead, I have kept everything inside, not really wanting to release what I have held within for so long. I am a true believer that heartache and pain is what truly builds a persons character. So I must have ALOT of character, even though I wonder sometimes. I will never forget what I read some years ago...."God only gives you what you can handle!"....I only wish He didn't trust me so much!

December 5th, 2002

First though, as I am sitting here today I have to wonder just where did this year go too! A whole lot has happened this year, Mike my husband lost his job early in the year. That was almost devastating but I believe faith carried us again...He found a new job just two weeks after. This time Mike went to work for a roofing company. And within a week or two he had a raise, before you knew it another raise and within a two month time period he was made head of his own crew, "WOW..Way to go Hon!" Knew you could do anything you set your mind to." And I love you for always, always being there!!

February 13, 2003

Wow, I almost forgot about my Journal probably because...It was a very rough Christmas Season for me....I not only had the Flu for what seemed forever...My daughter, Jenn and I had a falling out and I didn't get to see her or my grandchildren, as of today I still haven't seen nor heard from them. It breaks my heart...I love her and her children so deeply, I have always prided myself on always being there for my children no matter what. What do you do in cases when you love them so much but they do not think you know anything.

To Note* This incident took place between Thanksgiving and Xmas...Her husband had hurt her, actually had broken her finger, when he pulled her out of their van, he punched and kicked her in the back while she layed in the road and then walked away....She climbed back up into the van with her son still in the backseat, crying and drove over to my house. She beeped the horn many times and at the time I wasn't expecting anyone but looked out the window to see Jenn in the Van....So I went outside to see what the matter was, I opened the door and she was hysterically crying and holding her hand up in a strange position....She said,"Tom and I got into a fight and I think he broke my finger, could you Please drive me to the Emergency Room."

Well, of course I jumped right in behind the drivers seat and took her to the hospital. The Doctor, the nurse, and myself all tried to tell her this stuff doesn't change it only gets worse....Well she was in so much pain that they gave her enough pain killer to allow her to sleep for a couple of hours. In the meantime, I am worried sick, I had to leave the hospital to pick up Dezi (Jenn's Daughter) from school, so Zack and I went and came back to the hospital....While in the waiting room, mind you five hours later, Tom walks in looks over and sees me there and gives me a dirty look, then procedes to start crying how Jenn had hurt him....and it was all her fault...I just looked at him and said, Jenn is the one in the Hospital Tom, all he could do is rant and rave about how it was MY FAULT, if he couldn't see his children again. The nurse heard him yelling at me, so she came out and told Tom he couldn't see Jenn and to leave. Which he did. And of course, Jenn wouldn't press charges against him. If I could have I would have.

Jenn stayed away from Tom for a day or two and then told me that Tom had a right to see his children and that they where going back home...of course Tom was glouting at the fact he won....As if this was all a game to him. People's lives are not GAMES you PLAY! I had heard a week or two later that when Dezi asked Daddy, "Why did you hurt Mommie?" Tom's reply was that he didn't hurt her on purpose, and that Nanny(ME), had lied about Daddy hurting Mommie on purpose. I asked Jenn if this was so and she said yes, I said you stood right there and let Tom lie to her, how can you do this, What does that teach your children?

WHY, that is all I can ask, is WHY? Why is it you live to protect your children from what you have already been through only for them to tell you "Stay out of my business, you just don't understand!" Shortly after this incident, I overheard Tom tell my Jenna, one night while I was on the phone with her, that I wasn't allowed to call or come over to their home anymore. As much as to say, "Kiss my *%@*....!" I don't stay away because of what he said, but rather I stay away for Jenn and the children's sake. They know where I am if they EVER NEED ME! My heart breaks none the less, isn't a day that doesn't go by Jenn and the children aren't in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

Words Of Wisdom

As a person acts, so he becomes in life. Those who do good become good; those who do harm become bad. Good deeds make one pure; bad deeds make one impure. So we are said to be what our desire is. As our desire is, so is our will. As our will is, so are our acts. As we act, so we become.

Anyways, this episode is a Book all into itself....One day I am going to write that Book, I swear!
Well tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I would like to Wish Everyone a Very Romantic Holiday. May all your dreams come true in Love! Hope you checked out the page my husband Mike, dedicated to Me! You can click HERE if you haven't had a chance to view it yet. Will talk to you again soon. God Bless Us All.

February 26, 2003

Hello again! Boy does life ever change on a dime.....I was sitting in my kitchen the day before my daughter, Jenna was going to turn 24 years old. And just sitting thinking about her as I do everyday...and praying that her birthday would be wonderful for her. When the phone rang and I heard her voice on the answering machine. I couldn't believe my ears. I talked to her and told her I hope that she would have a Wonderful Birthday and that I had left something on her doorstep for her....She thanked me and told me she loved me....and asked if she could call me later to talk because she was running late for work. "I said, Of course!"

Well, Jenna called me the next day and we talked and talked, she told me how the past three months had been for her...and asked if....Needless to say, she needed not to finish the sentence, I told her that "Jenna, We have always been her for you and we always will be...We Love You!".....Jenna said, "I know Mom, I Love You, too!"

Jenn and the children have been staying with us now for the past four days, and you know I can't say that I can recall seeing such relaxed and sincere smiles as I have seen on their faces lately. Jenna has a good job and for once I just know things are going to go her way....She So Deserves to be treated with the Utmost Respect and Loved as the Beautiful Human Being that she is. My prayers have been answered, for Jenna and her children are safe. And only time will tell what Jenna's future holds, but for now, it holds the love, comfort and understanding she needs right now to get through this time in her life...."Praise the Lord!"

You are wise...
when you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true...
when you admit there are times you fool
You are alive...
when tomorrow's hope means more to you than
yesterday's mistake.
You are growing...
when you know what you are but not what
you will become.

As the days are quite full for me right now I will be online as time allows me to..... I pray that life treats you good and that love will find a way..... for all things are possible... God bless you all, I will talk to you again soon! Thank You to all that prayed with me, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

March 25th, 2003

First off, I would like again, to say to ALL of the Men and Woman in Uniform who are sacraficing their lives for our freedom, Thank You and God Bless Everyone of YOU! I salute You for your bravery and confictions but most of all for who you are! You and your families are in my thoughts and prayers. God Speed!

Wow, I finally found some quiet time to write in my journal....It has been really busy here. Jenn and Tom have been apart now for almost a month and a half. She is trying so very hard to keep above water so to speak. Since they had just bought a house not that long ago, Jenn is having to pay ALL of the bills. If she doesn't she will lose everything. She has begged Tom to help finacially but to no avail. To top this all the bills are in Tom's name, go figure.

I watch the children from 8:30pm every nite, six days aweek till 12:30pm the next day while Jenn works. My heart breaks for her because I can see her trying so hard to keep her and the children's lives on a somewhat normal key. Yet it is taking a toll on her health. Yesterday was Desiree's 6th birthday, and Jenn pretty much made it all come together for her....along with the cupcakes for the school party, Jenn had flowers and a balloon delivered to the school for Dezi. After school three of Dezi's friends, Jenn, Tom and my husband, Mike and I met up at Chucky Cheese. Wow, did they ever have fun! Needless to say, Dezi's Birthday was terrific. Oh yeah Nana here made Desiree a Birthday page, you can check it out Here

To go back about a month, Jenn needed a way to work, so she had saved some money and bought herself a little runabout, it is the cutest little car and cost her $500.00, Tom on the other hand let the family vehichle that he was supposed to be paying on, (but failed to make payments) get repossed. Jenn thought Tom had earilier paid an Electric bill for some $300 dollars only to find out he hadn't paid it at all and they where going to turn off Jenn's utilities....So again, Jenn had to pay this as well. And if this isn't enough, Jenn received papers stating that Tom wants custody of their children. Tom told my Jenna, get this, He would come back if she guits her job. Dezi had something to say about that, Dezi told her Daddy, "Mommie isn't going to quit her job Daddy, if Mommie wants to quit her job she can, but Mommie needs her job to take care of us." Out of the mouth of babes! Sad but true.

Marriage is such a beautiful union until it all falls apart. And the Love is gone. And the bitterness takes it's place. My heart is with you Jenn and the children as are my thoughts and prayers. I am so very proud of you Jenn for standing up for yourself and your children. You hang in there hon, and Hold your head up high.

Standing for what you believe
in regardless of the odds
against you, and the pressure
that tears at your resistance Courage.

Keeping a smile on your
face when inside you feel
like dying, for the sake
of supporting others Strength.

And being the best you
know you can be when
life seems to fall apart
at your feet, Facing each
difficulty with the confidence
that time will bring you better
tomorrows, And never giving up... Confidence.

Well, I am going to take the rest of my quiet time and relax. It is my day off! I haven't caught the bug that is going around even though all of the children and Jenn, my son, Chris, my husband, Mike have all had. Guess someone has to stay well to take care of them, guess that someone is me. Please Know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless. Will try and get back to my journal every week on my day off, or as time permits. Have a good week of love peace and harmony.

April 8th, 2003

Hello Again, hope the weeks and days since we have last talked have treated you and yours with kindness, love and a sense of accomplishment.....I have been watching the news daily and I must say my heart and prayers go out to ALL of the Families whom have lost a Son, Husband, Daughter, Wife, Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, Grandson or Granddaughter during this War With Iraq. You have My Deepest Deepest Sympathy.


One who has lived
never truly dies,
but crosses a bridge
into the next life
where all is beautiful
and peaceful,
and the breeze
always whispers
of lasting love.
May it ease
your sadness a bit
to know
that your precious memories
will always be a bridge
between this world
and the next,
between your loved one
and you.

Below is a Card for you.
May God Be With You Always.

Through The Storm

I insert this prayer
into my mail signature, and now
I am going to place it here for All who
come to visit Heaven's Blessings.
"I leave you with peace, love and harmony.".
Will talk to you all soon. God Bless!

I asked the Lord to bless you
As I prayed for you today
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....

His love is always with you
His promises are true
No matter what the tribulation
You know He will see us through

So , when the road you're traveling on
Seems difficult at best
Give your problems to the Lord
And God will do the rest.

July 16th, 2003

This year is going by so fast...Here it is already July. Well, I hadn't realized just how long it had been since I last posted in My Journal. So here is an update for all of you who like to visit Heaven's Blessings to see what's new.

Jenn & Tom have gotten back together. Desiree passed Kindergarden and will be going into First Grade in September. Though she cryed when she heard she wouldn't have the same Teacher next year, and Zak well he is talking up a storm and will be turning 3 in September (2003).

My husband, Mike was promoted as you know to Foreman and now runs his own crew for the company he works for. My son, Ron began working for the same company as well. Ron's fiance', Jill is working fulltime and going to school to become a Teacher. My son, Chris and his fiance', Jenny both work at jobs they both love and their little boy, Christopher will be turning 2, July 28th 2003.

Myself, I have been keeping busy with the grandchildren and when all is quiet in the evening I do the updating of all the sites online I have going. I also opened up a store through, which features many items and goes by the name & theme, HB Creations By Lynn and the theme is "For The Angel In Your Life." With any and all monies made from the sales going to Charity. The three I have chosen are The SID's Fondation, National Childhood Cancer Fondation and St. Jude's Hospital...In case you missed the link to the store it is Creations By Lynn
make sure to take a look and tell all of your friends.

Hope everyone had a "Happy Fourth Of July!" Well, I am painting some walls in our apartment today, and since the weather has cooled down quite a bit, I can't think of a better day than today to get it done...Also, I still have a few of the birthday pages to finish and catch up on before I can put them up online for everyone to see. So for now I Thank You for coming to visit us here at Heaven's Blessings and I wish you all, Love, Life and Happiness Always. God Bless You and Yours.

October 26th, 2003

Hello again!! Wow how long has it been....too long I'd say. Let's see where do I even start. I guess I will start where I left off. In July...Summer was terrific. The grandchildren where here practically everyday. We would go out in the backyard and play till the late afternoon. My husband, Mike (their Papa) built them a sandbox. The biggest sandbox you ever did see. How he loves to do for the little ones and how they love him so. The moment any of the grandchildren walk thru the door of our apartment the first thing out of their little mouths is "Where's Papa!" Most of the time I would reply, "Papa's working." And then one of them would say, "Papa's WORKING?" "Yes, I would say, but Papa told me to tell you he Loves You!"

Of course I would hear "Where's Papa" a few more times throughout the day, which would warm my heart everytime I heard them ask it. Michael and I always looked forward to seeing the grandchildren, they seemed to light up our very boring existence. So to speak. You will understand that if Your Children have all grown and moved on to their own lives, your life as you knew it changes and becomes somewhat muldane. When the grandchildren come into your life it seems to bring something very special with it.

Which brings me to sit down to my computer today to write in my journal. It has been since after our third grandson, Lil Chris's 2nd birthday at the end of July since we have seen our other two grandchildren, Dezi(6) and Zak(3). You see my daughter, Jenn and her husband, Tom had another domestic violence episode. Tom punched my daughter in the face while she held Zak in her arms. Jenn called me frantically crying and telling me to please come over to their house. I hesitantly went, and even though that sounds cruel, having to see your own flesh and blood being so mistreated and battered is even crueler. Especially knowing your efforts to hopefully and lovingly steer her clear of this torment in which she continues to put her and her children through will go unnoticed and unheard.

I blame myself for the way she lives her life. I came from Domestic Violence. I am the product of Domestic Violence. My parents divorced when I was only nine years old. My Mother and Father where apart at the time I recall when my mom decided to surprise my dad by taking my three brothers and myself to where he was staying while he worked for his mother at a Snack Bar in Bath, NY. We where still living in North Tonawanda, NY at this time. Shortly upon arriving, my Mother caught my Dad in bed with another woman. Our lives where never going to be the same. His selfishness destroyed our family and my Mother. Shortly after this I came down sick, very sick. Both my mom and dad took me to the Doctor's only to find out I had Accute Rheumantic Fever, and I recall the Dr. stating to them that if they had waited one more day to bring me in I would be dead. All I truly recall of that time is them both fighting over whose fault it was all the way to the hospital so that by the time we arrived, my legs wouldn't work, I could not move them. So my dad carried me into the hospital. I was there for two weeks. After that I didn't get to see my dad again till I turned 15. His affair destroyed our existence as we knew it. Life was pure Hell after that.

Our Mother did keep us children(4) all together, and she worked all the time because our Father wouldn't pay child support and offered no help what so ever in bringing us up to my knowledge. Our Mother's parents, Our Grandparents (Nan & Papa) were our light at the end of the tunnel. You see the pain our Father caused in our Mother turned her to drinking and running around with every Tom Dick and Harry, including alot of married men. I know because I used to get threatened at school by these men's children if my mom didn't stay away from their Dad's. I never told anyone, everything I ever felt went so far inside that it has taken till know to even speak of my pain.

I was left in charge of taking care of my brothers, cleaning the house, cooking the meals and the ironing of the clothes. That was my childhood! And if life didn't go my Mother's way I was the one she would drag out of bed in the middle of the night to beat the hell out of and precede to tell me how it was all our fault. And how can I forget Christmas Eve throughout my life. This was a very special holiday for my Mother for it was the time I would get told how she wished I had never been born and that nobody loved me because I was no good. I was the "Black Sheep of the Family" yeap "Merry Christmas!" There are many painful times to recall but I have learned to bury them the best I can. The last time I saw my Mother, back in January of this year 2003, her remark to me was, "remember that time Bill (her boyfriend) hit you (It wasn't hard to remember that particular time when he hit me so hard that it knocked the hearing out of my left ear), she continued to say and I quote, "I wished He had hit you even harder!" unquote. "Yep, I Love You too, Mom!"

When I was fifteen, I recieved a phone call from my Dad, We hadn't heard anything from him or seen him in six years. I never knew why My parents had divorced until my older brother, Bob told me the story when I was 20, shortly after I married and had my first baby. It shatterd my trust in men then and their. Anyways, it was a Memorial Day weekend so school was out for three days, My Dad wanted me to come visit him and that he would send me the bus ticket so that I would be able to come and get back before school was in session again. I asked my Mother if I could and she out and out said NO! End of story! In my heart I had to see him, life had to be better than what I was experiencing, the beatings the spitting in my face by her boyfriend, the name calling, the telling the whole bar that My Mother would frequent that I had started my period, or when it stopped for a year having her drag me to the Dr. because she was certain I had gotten pregant*. I was examined right there with her looking on. (I was only thirdteen at that particular time.) So I called him and told him yes, I would come and visit. He was living at Niagara Falls, NY at the time. I recall as I was leaving in the taxi to catch the bus to go, my little brother Kevin, (whom I brought up since he was seven, because my Mother handed him to me and said, "Here you take care of him!" There he was standing there crying and saying, "Please don't leave me!" I was so torn, so damned torn. I told him with tears streaming down my face that I was coming back so please go back into the house. The cab pulled away with me in it. I am so very sorry Kevin...and still can't seem to find it within my heart to forgive myself for leaving alone in that forsaken house.

Even thought my mind was still on my little brother back home, the visit with my Dad had helped to heal something in me that was broken or so I thought and then I had to go home. I was 15 and scared to death to go back but knew I had to face my Mother. I returned home on a Sunday night at ten o'clock pm. I looked into the front door of our house only to hear my Mother screaming at someone on the phone, it was my Dad checking to see if I had returned safely. I knocked on the door and she grabbed me by my long hair and beat the living crap out of me, throwing me down the stairway that lead out the side door and dragging me back up the stairs by my long hair. I was sobbing so hard and my brother's never even woke up or where to damned scared to show that they where awake, because I saw no one. I ran out the door and found a pay phone and called the operator to ask for my Dad's number. My crying caused the operator great concern so she asked me alot of questions and ended up giving me one of my friends number to call. I did and my very close friend at the time, Barb and her family were kind enough to let me stay with them for two weeks till I could get the ticket from my Dad to come back to Niagara Falls, NY to live with him. I had just begun 10th grade. It was September, 1970, my big brother, Bob had enlisted into the Marines. Only my two little brothers, Billy and Kev remained at home.

School in the city was alot different from the little town of Bath, NY. where I had lived with My Mother and brothers. Yet all of the kids liked me. I can't say I did very good as far as grades go, it set me back alot going to live with my Dad in Niagara Falls, NY alot.
Let me explain, it started out great Wow, no beatings. Nobody's housekeeper...then before I turned 16 that November my Dad says we are going to visit family in Clearwater, Florida and that he was taking me to Disneyland for my 16th birthday. WOW, what could be better. It was the first time I had ever been on a plane. By the time the plane landed though My Father and his wife, where both so drunk they had to be helped off the plane. Here we go again is all I could think. The visit to meet my Father's Dad and his Stepmother and family seemed really great. I remember my Dad's stepmother telling me during one of our conversations that My Dad's Mother, his Father and him would all die within a year, strange thing to say considering My Dad's Mom had already just passed away, don't you think? That was what I thought. (Surprisingly enough, they did!) Anyways, my Father and his wife, stayed drunk pratically the whole trip. We headed home after two weeks in Florida. It was winter in Niagara Falls, NY and very cold coming from the Florida sun to the fury of winter up north.

My Dad drove a cab for a living. He had inherited his Mother's house and money. (None of which us kids ever saw) His house was at least 1 mile and a half from the school I attended. He drove by me one morning shortly after I started attending LaSalle High School and pulled up to the curb as I was walking to school and yelled out the window to me, "When you stop walking like a farmer I will start giving you a ride to school!" Laughed And then drove away. Or the time we where sitting at his kitchen table and he was drunk and he looked over at me and said, "You aren't even My kid, your Mother had you while I was over in Korea!" I became empty right then and there, First my Mother then my Father. I continued to walk to school and back home everyday for the two months I stayed with him.
It was getting really close to Christmas now and the whole time with my Father I never ever called my Nan & Papa, whom lived just across town. I cannot to this day tell you why especially since they meant the world to me.

Then one day my Dad's phone rang, and it was my Nana, I was so relieved to hear her voice. Nana went on to ask me if I wanted to come for dinner, I said I had to ask Dad because I didn't have a way over there and he had the car. So she said alright, I went into my Dad's wifes room to ask her if I could wear her winter coat over to my grandparents house and she said sure. So I put her coat on and headed down to the corner bar to ask my Dad if he would give me a ride over to Nan & Papa's. He said "sure as soon as I get done with this drink, go wait outside for me!" I did, and probably half hour later he came out and we drove across town to where my grandparents lived.

Half way over there, he turned to me and said, "You are nothing but a Sl*t just like your Mother!" My Mom wasn't that! She was a good woman before he broke her heart. I started crying hysterically, I couldn't beleive what he was saying, I was a virgin and damned proud of it, how could he be saying this to me...We pulled up to my grandparents apartment and there on the front steps were my Nan & Papa waiting for me. As I got out of the car My Father told me to take off his wife's coat, saying "He never wanted to see me again, and that I was to get nothing he had bought me, (my clothes, school jacket, school books, eye glasses, ect.)" all I had to my name was the clothes on my back, minus the jacket. And with tears streaming down my face and my body shaking so terribly from the cold, He drove away. I never saw him again, but less than a year later I attended his funeral.

My Grandparents hugged me and walked me into their apartment. I cried for the longest time, My Nan was on the phone to My Mother, she said I could come back, I beleive my Nan had something to do with me being able to go back. I know Nan in her heart thought that was the best thing to do. I stayed with my Nana & Papa for the next two weeks till Christmas vacation, in which they drove me back to Bath, NY to live with My Mother, whom had moved since I last saw her. Her & her boyfriend had bought a house on the other side of town in Bath. After Christmas my grandparents had left to go back to Niagara Falls. And I knew what was coming. Mind you I was still attending school or at least trying my hardest. Yet I knew my hell wasn't going to end real soon.

This was life the only life I have ever known, I am or so I have been battered to beleive so "the reason for everyone's problems."
I remember waking up one night with My Mother's boyfriend beating on her, and I remember grabbing him off of her and throwing him across the room, he rolled down the cellar stairs and just layed there I thought he was dead. But when he came to it was me that they where calling the cops on me. I left once again and went to stay at one of my other friends family's home. Again, My Mother calls me couple months later and asks if I would come back....I agreed, what was I going to say, I couldn't keep living at my friends home. I was looking to belong. I went back only to be told time and time again, that I would be nothing but a border in the house and I was always going to be the blacksheep of the family. That is when Bill hit me so hard across the face that my hearing in my left ear went out. That was the time My Mother was refering to when she said she wished Bill had hit me even harder.

Somewhere between my 11th and senior year in high school, I slit my wrist, I wasn't wanting to die to hurt anyone, I just wanted the pain of living to go away. I had been raped by a guy from Pennsylvania a few months prior to this, (which nobody new about but my friend Dewey who came to get me when I called him, I never told anyone the who, the where, the how or the when). The next morning I know My Mother saw my wrist bandaged but she said nothing, the following week we headed up to Niagara Falls to visit my Grandparents. It was Sunday dinner and the entire family was sitting ready to eat dinner when my Mother grabbed my wrist and pulled up my shirt and announced to the entire family, (Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, brothers, ect.) look what she has done. I was so humiliated. My Papa stood up from the table and cried, saying, "How could you do this to me!" I wanted to die right there and then, My Papa was more of a father to us kids than anyone could ever have been, and I made him cry. I had never seen my Papa cry ever. I don't think my Papa ever forgave me for that. But Nanny & Papa never ever stopped loving me. No matter what my Mother says.

I did graduate and not by the skin of my teeth. Shortly after graduating my Father passed away. There was never any closure. His last words to me ring in my ears still. It is because of those words that I do not drink or do drugs, nor did I get pregnant before I was married. I take pride in always needing and wanting to do the right thing. So when I hear of any kind of abuse a fire burns within me. Yet I know it is because of my children seeing me abused their whole life that I believe no matter how much love I give, have given or gave them and believe you me I have given and gave and I have sacraficed my own needs for theirs. That no matter what, I am always going to be someones excuse for why their life sucks.

My grand- daughter, Dezi told me one day, "Nana I don't like it when people talk about you so badly, it hurts!" She went on to tell me that when she was little and her Daddy had told her Nana was bad, Dezi said to him, "No she isn't Nana is good!" Dezi said "her Daddy spanked her really really hard for saying that and so she told me whenever anyone says that you are bad Nana I just say yes!" She said, with tears in her eyes, "Nana I know you are good, but I don't want to be hit cause it hurts real bad!" "It's okay honey," I said. "It hurts me too, baby!" I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, how can anyone treat a child like this, but all I did was agree with her and told her she was too little to do anything else, in your heart you know how much I love you and I know how much you love me. And God knows, I pray for you, your brother and your Mother, everyday that you will be safe. Dezi said "I know Nana I talk to God all the time too, Daddy don't believe in God Nana, but I do, cause you told me Nana about God!" Dezi said, "Nana, Every nite I say my prayers but not so anyone sees or hears me, cause I don't want to get a spankin!" I told her "Daddy can't take God away from you little one, cause he lives there within your heart!" He is always with you. Dezi went on to say, "I know Nana!" I then wiped her tears and I held her in my arms for the longest time.

I did go when my daughter, Jenn called me that day her husband punched her in the face. Hearing her cry and saying over and over again, "Mom, this is it, it is the last time he hurts me and the kids!" The police arrested Tom and charged him with "Endangering The Welfare Of A Child." Two days later Jenn bailed him out of jail. Jenn would not tell me she did, cause she knew how I would react. Two or three days afterwards Jenn calls me and asked if I would put my husband, Mike on the phone. I asked her why? She said her car was broken down and she needed him to come and fix it. I asked her who she was with, and she replied "Tom and the kids." I have come to a crossroads in my life, and because of it I told her that if she could bail her husband out of jail using $1500. dollars then she could certainly have her car fixed by a professional or by the man she called her husband. Sounds callice but true!

For me, Jenn knew her vehichle needed fixing, Jenn has a good job and one in which she needs to make ends meet. Her husband should of never been allowed to get bailed out of jail. No instead he is allowed to badger and harrass Jenn by phone the whole time he is in jail, until she just gives in to his tormenting her. For with everytime he has been bailed out makes him more controlling, more empowered with which keeps his psycotic behavior able to continue. I know, I have been there, you can call people like us stupid, but unless you have been battered continuiously you would not understand what it does to you inside. The system is failing my daughter and many many others terribly. When will people like Tom be made responsible for their behavior. Why does it have to be when it is too late? Why is this allowed to continue when there are laws out there to protect the innocent. I am not turning my back on Jenn and her children for I would never do that, but there has to comes a time when Jenn has to face her own demons and come to the realization on her own for her and her children's sake, to just let go and get some help. My prayers and thoughts are with them always. Never a day goes by that my heart isn't with them.

"Take heed that ye
despise not one of these little ones
for I say unto you,
That in heaven their angels
do always behold the face of
my father which is in heaven."
Matthew 18:10

"Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed,
or hidden that will not be known.
Therefore whatever you have said in the dark
shall be heard in the light, and what you have
whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed
upon the housetops." Luke 12:2-3

Just so you know, I do not hate My Mother, I LOVE her very much. And MISS her even more! Because even after all that I have been through, she too was a victim and I know it wasn't her but rather the alcohol that turned her to escape her own pain in life. As well as My Father. Alcohol plays an enourmous role in the way so many lifes get ruined. My heart goes out to all who have to experience the abuse. My experience was very painful yet somehow by Grace Of God it made me so much stronger.

The holidays will soon be upon us and I would like to say to everyone who has come to read my journal to have the Safest and Happiest Holiday Season yet. And Remember that The greatest gift we can bestow on others is a good example. Take Care and I will return to my journal after the Holidays are behind us. This is Heaven's Blessings saying Goodnight and God Bless Everyone.

December 6th, 2003

Well, hadn't planned on coming back to my Journal until after the Holiday Season was behind us....But I guess I of all people I should know better than most that Life is Full Of Changes...and once again My Life has changed!! I mentioned that I was being shunned by my daughter Jenn, but really cannot say why, all I know is it hurts like hell! Yet as all of us who are Mother's and who know the heartaches that come with being Mother's who's hearts break when we see our children being hurt or they themselves being in situations that cause harm to themselves or their children....You hurt for them, how can you not...but you also try your hardest to guide them, not control them but guide them with a loving heart.

I am ending this
session in my Journal for this year with these exerps from George Carlin:

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going
to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because tha
t is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss
and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

May God Bless You All And Keep You All Safe This Holiday Season. Just to Note* I will be using Bravenet's WebJournal Services for the upcoming new year's writings. By clicking onto the HERE you will be taken to this years New Journal. I hope to hear from you by using my new Tag Board that is on my new journals pages. Take care and Thank You for taking in interest in what I have and will have to write. God Bless You All. Angel Hugs from Lynn at Heaven's Blessings.

What lies behind us and
What lies before us
are tiny matters compared to
What lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


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